


Dean's Prayer To Castiel s15

by saltyhunter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Apologizing Dean Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Monologue, POV Dean Winchester, Praying Dean Winchester, Season/Series 15, Season/Series 15 Speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22090513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltyhunter/pseuds/saltyhunter
Summary: A one shot about Dean's Prayer to Castiel. Dean will not only be apologizing and fully explain why he reacted the way he did, he will also lay bare his emotions for Castiel to understand that in fact it was all about love all along...
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 41





	Dean's Prayer To Castiel s15

**Author's Note:**

> READ THIS BEFORE YOU START.
> 
> The writing format I used for this one shot is the "screen writing" format. I've never done this before but I did some research. I didn't typically follow the rules. But I hope you'll enjoy the reading. 
> 
> Every time you see this [...] it describes either the scene or Dean's emotions/actions.
> 
> This is a monologue. Which means only Dean will be talking. I was inspired by some tweets I saw on twitter about the DeanCas break up. Jensen said at a convention that Dean would be praying to Castiel to explain himself in an upcoming episode. Many of us suppose that this episode will be s15e09.
> 
> Edit: A reader wrote a sequel to this after reading my one shot😍 I put the link below so you can check this after reading.

[Sequel wrote by a reader](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22102561)

  
_**[INT. The bunker, Dean Winchester's room. He's sitting on the bed,leaned forward, elbows on his knees. He rubs his face, clearly agitated. Sighs. Uncertain, he fidgets with his hands. Finally, he begins...]** _

  
Hey, Cas. I don't know what are you up to right now but I just…   
I just wanna try this. So, hear me out. Okay? 

**_[More confident,now that he made up his mind.]_ **

You remember what I told you when we met? You presented yourself as being an Angel of the Lord and I told you to get out of here, because there's no such thing as Angels, or so I thought. But you saw right pass my disdain and understood the real issue I struggled with: My lack of Faith. 

  
_**[Lost in his memories.]** _

John Winchester was never the "religious" type, you know. Only things he believed in, were his weapons and the lores about how to kill monsters. And when he introduced me to that world, it felt safe, to be part of "getting rid of the bad guys." It gave me a purpose, a reason to be. For a long time, Sam was convinced that what drove me to follow dad's rule so blindly and never stand up against him, was the fact that I wanted to be him. 

Well, Maybe. But there was more to it than just idolizing my dad. Hunting might have given me purpose but it also opened my eyes on the darkness roaming at every corner. And I couldn't stop asking myself: Is there someone up there who gives a damn about us at all? 

The more monsters I killed, the more innocent people who died, I grew bitter of never finding the answer to that question.

And then you came along, _**[teasing tone]**_ in all your celestial magnificence.

 _ **[smile, shakes his head]**_ You represented everything I was pissed about. It was already a nightmare to drown in the uncertainty of whether or not "Someone" existed up there, now the fact that you were right here was proof that there could be "something" all-knowing and powerful who decided to just sit his ass and watch the world go to shit...

I guess since I didn't have God to give a piece of my mind, my anger inevitably fell upon you. But as we fought together in order to stop the Apocalypse _**[chuckles]** _well the first one, my vision of this uptight heavenly being that I had of you faded little by little. At least YOU cared. At least, you were fighting to protect our world. And you might have received orders to rescue my ass out of Hell but you didn't stay because of orders. You stayed because you're compassionate and brave. 

  
_**[Getting to the point of his prayer.]** _

Whenever you mess up, like we all do, you're so broken afterwards that you often try to redeem yourself by doing a sacrifice that oftens leads to a bigger disaster. And I always lose my shit over that. But Cas, the thing is… You have to understand that when I yell at you, it's not because I hate you. Yelling is simply the method that raised me. 

I love my dad and I respected him but he could also scare the crap out of me when he was mad. If I made a mistake during a hunt that caused the monster to get away, or more people to die, the way I'd feel like a failure would last long after the hunt was over and my dad would make damn sure that I wouldn't forget that there's no place for mistakes in the hunting world.

  
_**[Regretful, sad.]** _

I really wish I could stop the yelling thing, you know. And not just yelling for that matter. I wish I could be able to filter my mouth because when it comes to you I'm quick to get on the edge and say the worst possible thing that can cross my mind and I hate that. 

  
_**[Frustrated, almost choked up]** _

I hate when your eyes widen in shock at some stupidity I say and I hate that in the moment, even when I can clearly see the damage I've caused, even when I can see you're hurting and I see your eyes begging me to stop, I don't. And I always push it so far. God, I always push it too far.

The last thing I want is to hurt you Cas. But when you hurt me, I forget that. I forget that you stood up against Heaven, your home, your family, in the name of our friendship. I forget that you resisted the brainwashing that they did to you in order to get me killed. I forget the madness that I sank in, back in purgatory when I couldn't find you. I hate hurting you Cas. But when you make a mistake that causes me to lose my mom, for the second time, I forget that I don't want you in pain. 

  
_**[Calmer now, but still emotional]** _

When I was little, mom used to say that angels were watching over us. I don't think I ever truly understood back then. But as I grew up without her, I came to experience the comfort she wanted me to find in those words. 

On my worst days, when I'd get so anxious about Sammy's future: was he gonna grow up to be a good man without mom? would I be able to be the responsible figure to give him the exemple? what if dad went on a hunt and never came back? Would I be able to handle the situation? Would I be able to take care of Sammy? When all those questions kept me awake at night, after I'd finally fall asleep, I'd dream of her. Mostly it would be memories buried deep in my mind. Her smile, while she made us breakfast, or her singing to Sammy in his crib. They were only fragment of images and the dream never lasted long enough for me to try and communicate with her but when I'd wake up the next morning I would feel appeased, almost as if she had wrapped her arms around me during my sleep and told me that everything would be okay. In those moments I'd regain hope and I'd remember her saying: "Angels are watching over us." 

She's the Angel.

_**[Pauses. Inhales deeply. He's about to cry but shuts his eyes. He keeps them close until he's sure the tears won't fall...]** _

You know, after everything that went down with Chuck. All this so-called "purpose" that I had found in hunting, it all went to dust. My whole existence was basically entertainment for God. 

I always defined myself as being a hunter. "Saving people, hunting things." But if even THAT, the one thing I had, the one thing that anchored me to existence, if even that was purely fabricated out the imagination of a glorified fanboy then what does that say about me? _ **[Furious]**_ Who the hell am I truly? Just a pawn? A manipulated character?

_**[About to cry again]** _

What does that say about you? What does that say about all the choices you've made, how you got involved in my life, how you became an ally and how every single time I thought I lost you for good, you always came back? 

  
_**[A single tear rolls down, his voice breaks.]** _

God wanted it Cas. He planned it all. He wanted you to be there, he made sure that you'd always be there. And this vicious circle that you and I kept running inside: sacrificing ourselves, betraying each other, becoming evil, all of that, basically all of what makes us, us, it was just a plot. It was only about tension building up to a climax for God's favorite show.

How do you think it made me feel? You said that we were real, but are we? How can we be sure of that? How can we be sure of anything when even God turns out to be an evil son of a bitch? 

  
_**[He wipes away the tear. His hands are shaking now, too much rage kept inside. Takes a few seconds to collect himself.]** _

  
You're not "wrong" Cas. Even without wings, you'd still be an angel. Your heart is beautiful and pure. When you get defeated you don't stay on the ground, you get back on your feet, you fight with more fierce than before, and hell, you're majestic when you do so.

You were an amazing father to Jack. You saw the good in him, where I only saw evil and trouble. You believed he could do good in this world and he would have lived up to that if the circumstances had let him. I know that somehow you must feel like you failed him, but you didn't. His mother would've been proud of who he became because of you. 

I let the pain of my own loss cover up the fact that you were suffering in the same way I was. I apologize for every time I've made you feel like you weren't enough. Everytime I forgot the good and lashed out because of your mistakes. 

  
_**[Eyes closed now, hand covering his face. Little.]** _

I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for calling you wrong. I'm sorry for not filtering my words when I'm angry or sad. Or desperate, or just hopeless. I'm sorry for being an ass. I'm sorry for… for… 

  
_**[Knows what he wants to say, but struggles to get the words out.]** _

I thought this would be easier to say without   
you being here. But I know you're listening. And…

  
_**[voice low, vulnerable.]** _

I'm scared Cas. Because if God planned it all, if he put you on  
purpose in my life and manipulated your decisions and choices…

  
What if I fell in love with a lie?

  
_**[Camera zooms out. View from the ceiling: Dean sobbing silently, face buried in his arms.]** _

**Author's Note:**

> That's it guys! Please let me know what you thought about it😊. I litteraly spent all the day writing this on my bed today. I started at 10am now it's 5:35PM. 😂 Follow my instagram @destielprompts for writing prompts to inspire you in your destiel stories.😇


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